In an era that prizes youth and being full of potential over wisdom, age and experience, there is a condition which affects many of us. We often have no idea we have this condition, or that it is even an affliction.
The Latin name for it is the Puer Aeternus complex. Several Jungian Analysts have written books about it, including Marie Louise von Franz’s superb book The Problem of the Puer Aeternus, Ann Yeoman’s Now or Neverland, and James Hillman’s collection of various writers’ essays on the subject, Puer Papers.
A popular image of this condition is Peter Pan. It is sometimes called a Peter Pan complex.
So what is it and what are the symptoms?
The Puer complex is a condition wherein we want to remain full of potential, young and free. We avoid commitments and we ESPECIALLY avoid hard work.
While this may pass as a normal youthful attitude in one’s teens or early twenties, the Puer complex starts to really differentiate itself from a normal attitude of youth when one gets into the late twenties and early thirties.
You may be recoiling from this unflattering picture. Not me, you say?
Here’s a test to see if you have the Puer complex – or more precisely, It has you.
- Do you feel special, better than others?
- Are you in your thirties or older with many different jobs in your life, but no solid career?
- Do you get on a plane and fly off to an exotic destination, end a relationship or quit your job when things get too heavy?
- Do you agree with the song lyric “I hope I die before I get old”?
- Do you chronically over-promise and under-deliver?
- Have you been unable to sustain a long-term, committed and monogamous relationship?
- When you get a job or settle down to do some work, do you get restless and come up with just about any reason to get out of it?
- Do you dream that you’re flying or staying in a hotel?
- Do you look a good ten years younger than your age? If people find out your age, are they extremely surprised because of how young you look and behave?
- Have you experienced other people getting on with life – relationships, kids, careers, responsibilities – while you remain a youthful free spirit?
If you answered Yes to 3 or more of these questions, chances are that the Puer complex has you.
If that’s the case, you may be living a PROVISIONAL LIFE, waiting for your real life, a special life to begin. But as the years flow by, that special life never does get started, so you remain in the antechamber of your life. You never really commit to anything, never stay put, never actually manifest anything from all of your big dreams and wonderful potential.
I can tell you from having this complex that it does NOT give up its hold on us without a fight. It will go to great lengths to keep you ‘full of potential’, but not actually committing to anything or digging in and living life.
So why is all of this bad? Why not just remain full of potential? Why fight something that feels good? Being youthful is a desirable quality, right?
The reason is that as you move into your 30’s or 40’s, your soul agonizes at not being allowed to live life. It doesn’t WANT to float above things all the time, as appealing as that state may often feel. Your soul incarnated to experience life, not to float above it.
It came here to have deep experiences, even pain and grief, so that it could develop wisdom. Inside each of us is a deep desire to find a meaningful, inner directed, chosen life-path.
And as the years pass and the 30’s or 40’s set in, a conflict between the Puer complex and the soul begins to rise to the surface. The Puer may begin to engage in increasingly risky, even self-sabotaging behaviour, for example hanging out with dangerous people, going mountain-climbing, bungee jumping, skydiving, engaging in risky sexual behaviour and other unsafe activities. You may have started having freak accidents that nearly kill you. You may feel yourself contemplating suicide. That suicidal impulse is likely the complex making a false argument for why suicide is a better or more romantic choice than living. At least it will be dramatic, the complex may whisper in your ear. At least you won’t have compromised.
The reason behind the risky behaviour or the ‘accidents’ is that the Puer would rather die than stay on the ground. And it will take you with it.
The alternative is indeed to land on the ground and stay there as much as possible. The alternative is to find a job or a person you like well enough and work hard at keeping them, even though they’re not perfect.
You will probably need some assistance to do this, because the Puer will constantly balk at this and present your with a million reasons why staying on the ground, experiencing the mundane details of life and doing hard work in a job or relationship is to be avoided like the plague. There will seem to be very real reasons why you must exit yet another job, relationship or city. You’ll feel absolutely claustrophobic at the thought of staying in of those things.
I recommend that you find a Jungian analyst in your area or work with one via video or telephone sessions. They are perhaps best trained to understand the challenges of the Puer complex and help you move into creating a meaningful life for yourself.
It is worth landing in your life, with its imperfect complexity. To the Puer looking at it from the outside, real life FEELS like boredom and death. But really living your life – inside it rather than above it – is better than all the unlived possibilities you kept in your back pocket just in case, which never actually get to be experienced anyway. And the very things you thought would be a prison become the sources of deepest meaning and fulfillment.